A confession...
I've been having this mental struggle ever since the baby and I got home. And I've been finding it really difficult to keep a brave face.
When we took the baby home for the first time, it was a very difficult night for me. My husband had to go to work that night (he works the graveyard shift) and I was alone with the baby. I had just gotten out of the hospital myself. I was still recoving from the surgery. I still had really high blood pressure. And the pre-eclampsia hadn't left my system yet (to be honest it STILL hasn't left my system).
My doctor didn't want to release the baby and me because he didn't want to release ME. But I desperately wanted to go home. So he made a deal with me that I have a check up in three days, then another one a week after and another one 3 weeks after that, then he would let me go home. Well, I somewhat regret pushing for going home.
I was still supposed to be in bed rest myself. My husband was working. So I was left to take care of my son. I love my son. He's honestly so precious to me.
But it was DAMN hard to take care of him that night. I was still very weak myself.
And the next morning when my husband got home from work, he of course needed his rest too. He worked a 10 hour shift, then cleaned the house in preparation for my parents arrival. But that still left the care of the baby to me.
The next night was another struggle. My best friend was arriving from California the following morning. And my folks were arriving soon after in the afternoon. But I still had to get through the night.
I couldn't ask much more help from my husband. He was already so exhausted. He had even collapsed from exhaustion at work the night my folks arrived.
My incision hurt like hell, my blood pressure was soaring, I was sleep deprived and very tired, and still quite weak. I was sooooooo grateful when Maria and my folks came. They let this young tired couple rest and get the sleep they needed to rejuvinate and recover.
Well my husband has recovered. I have pretty much recovered myself. Not fully there, but definitely stronger than I was before.
But now that Maria's already gone home and my folks are to go home this Sunday, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm still not strong enough to take care of my own child. It's really a mental battle for me right now. But it's still a struggle nonetheless. It's like I'll be responsible for 80% of his care. Am I strong enough? I keep remembering the first two nights and how hard it was. Am I strong enough?
I have no support system here. The people I did know in West Virginia are all an hour away. So with the exception of my husband, I'm pretty much alone.
Labels: me
